Taxi!

Just to prove that I'm entirely unbiased when it comes to slagging off Welsh rugby players, it appears that Wales and Lions star Mike Phillips has now managed to get himself into a spot of bother, having been arrested over an alleged assault on a taxi driver in a dispute over a fare in Penarth, Vale of Glamorgan.

Phillips joins other sporting luminaries such as Dennis Wise and Joey Barton in having run-ins with cabbies - hardly a club you'd be desperate to join.

Of course, I must stress that no charges have yet been brought and Mr Phillips' agent has said that there was "nothing at all" in the allegation.

Then again, his agent is none other than Mike Burton, the first Englishman ever to be sent off in a rugby international (Battle of Brisbane, 1975)...

The future's bright?

So, it seems that rumours of the demise of our favourite smooth-legged orange one, Mr Gavin Church, were premature.

Tangoman is not, after all, planning to quit the game to spend more time with his family and his new-found passion for sailing.

The question that many have been asking is "would he have been missed?"

A seriously talented athlete, Mr Church's undoubted vast potential has been somewhat overwhelmed by a succession of injuries, a penchant for living his life between the covers of OK Magazine and an obvious inability to hold his ale. When you chuck in the fact that he appeared to have nothing but contempt for his peers and team mates (as evidenced by his 2005 autobiography), I doubt too many in the game would have been saddened by his his retirement - certainly not this side of the Severn.

So now I suppose we wait until the next lurid headline.

Mr Cipriani please take note...

Le Hask

James "Le Hask" Haskell appears determined not to let his move across the Channel to Paris keep him out of the limelight.

Having been the proud owner of his very own personal website well before actually establishing himself in the Wasps 1st team squad, Le Hask's omission from both England squads (Elite and Saxons) this week was greeted within minutes of the announcement by a "tweet" on his Twitter page in which he declared that he was "gutted."

Not content with that, up popped Le Hask again, this time in an interview with tabloid rag "The Mirror" in which he claimed he would "let my rugby do the talking" (thereby letting his mouth do the talking).

You would have thought that by now Le Hask might have twigged that it's precisely this sort of bollocks that gets right up Johnno's nose (if you'll forgive the rather disturbing image that such a phrase conjours up).

Let us pray

The news that the Right Reverend Graham Henry will be leading his flock of Kiwis right through to RWC 2011 has received a somewhat underwhelming response in general.


But consider this:

• given that the NZRU re-employed Henry after the 2007 RWC debacle, they were hardly going to sack him now, were they?
  
  
• since the departure of Robbie Deans, who else is there, really?
  
  
• despite predictions that the All Blacks' could finish bottom of the Tri-Nations this year and given their distinctly dodgy form of late, this might actually be viewed in a positive light in the long term. No danger of them peaking between World Cups this time!

Verdict II

So, with the Lions now back from South Africa, what have we learned? Try this for starters...

1. The Lions brand is alive and kicking. Yes, there are issues with preparation time, length of tours, standard of provincial opposition and ticket prices but this group have restored the one thing that went AWOL in 2005 - credibility.



2. BOD is, without a shadow of a doubt, GOD. Player of the tour by miles.



3. Peter de Villiers is, without a shadow of a doubt, a clown. And not a very funny one at that.



4. The players return to Britain and Ireland knowing that they so very nearly won a series in the Southern Hemisphere. Coulda, woulda, shoulda? Maybe, but don't underestimate the effect that winning that 3rd Test could have - for many it was their first ever victory over a 3N team.
   


5. For the Irish boys, the form of Jamie Heaslip, Rob Kearney and Tommy Bowe - along with the excellent BOD - bodes well, although there may well be concerns about the tight 5 going forward. And the less said about ROG the better.
   


6. For Wales, the fact that they ultimately provided the Lions first choice front row must be a cause for optimism, and they can safely claim to now have 2 genuine world class operators in Jamie Roberts and Mike Phillips. If they can forget about Gavin Henson and keep Martyn Williams going they should go from strength to strength.
   


7. The Scots will have learned precious little, other than they have some way to go to catch up with the others. In reality none of the Scots was anywhere near the Test team but you never know - Messrs Blair, Ford, Hines and Murray may well have derived something from the trip that they can take back into the Scottish camp.
   


8. As for England, it should not go unnoticed that they had 8 players involved in that 3rd Test victory. Upfront England are looking in good shape - Sheridan, Croft and Worsley all had excellent tours, while Simon Shaw was simply immense. And even Lee Mears and Phil Vickery were in good form until the 1st test scrummaging shambles. Behind the scrum Riki Flutey can now be considered a fully fledged international 12 - a problem position ever since the retirement of Will Greenwood - and Ugo Monye also had his moments, adding to the talent already to Martin Johnson in the back three. Now if they could just squeeze another 2 years out of Shaw and keep a certain Mr Wilkinson fit...

Pain in the neck

Pre-season training begins tomorrow at Chesham.

Sadly I won't be participating as I have a sore neck having pulled a muscle between my shoulder blades. I picked up the injury this weekend whilst MOWING THE LAWN.

This, following a calf injury last weekend after I joined in a kids' tug of war at the school summer fête (without first warming up).

Yet more proof - if proof were needed - that I'm old and past it.

Justice?

Thank you to Matt at Green and Gold Rugby for this one...

Lions tackle gouging

Breaking news from South Africa...

Seemingly determined to restore pride with a consolation victory in the 3rd Test in Johannesburg, it has emerged that all 22 of the British and Irish Lions playing squad will be issued with revolutionary new "anti-gouging" safety goggles ahead of the game.

A prototype of the goggles, manufactured by Lions kit supplier Adidas, was given the green light at an emergency session of the IRB Safety Committee in Pretoria late last night and a consignment of the approved goggles is, we understand, due to be delivered to the Lions training camp on Saturday morning.

"It's all a bit last-minute," admitted Lions scrum coach Graham Rowntree, "but we believe that being able to see what's going on without a Springbok finger in our eyes will be a distinct advantage."

Meanwhile, back in the South African camp, coach Peter de Villiers expressed his dismay at the latest developments. Having been forced to offer his insincere apologies for his recent comments following the 2nd Test, de Villiers claimed that the measures taken by the Lions to prevent gouging were "inappropriate and disproportionate."

"This is a wholly unnecessary step," he claimed, "especially after I have this week paid out of my own pocket for each member of the South African squad to have a deluxe manicure."

The curious case of Monsieur Bastareaud

Yet another twist to the Bastardo saga...

First there was the alleged assault by up to 5 thugs in Wellington.

Then it transpired that there had been no assault and that in fact M. Bastardo had consumed a few too many sherbets and fallen in his hotel room, cutting his face in the process.

Then reports surfaced in French newspaper Le Parisien at the weekend that his injuries may have been caused by a punch from a team-mate in order to "calm him down" (claims denied by said team-mates Louis Picamoles and Fulgence Ouedraogo who were named by in the reports).

And now, according to Stade Francais President Max Guazzini, Bastardo has been admitted to a Paris psychiatric hospital for "severe psychological problems."

Furthermore Guazzini blames it all on the "the relentlessness of the press against a boy of 20".

Tune in tomorrow for an entirely different version of events, no doubt.

(PS - in an earlier post I may have implied that New Zealand, and Wellington in particular, has a problem with thuggery. I hereby apologise for any inference drawn from my post and am happy to state for the record that there are no thugs in New Zealand and that all Kiwis are lovely fluffy bunnies.)

Verdict

OK, time now for my tuppence ha'penny's worth on Saturday's Lions Test.

First things first. I missed the game owing to commitments at aforementioned kids' school summer fête. Idiot.

From what I have seen and read it was an enthralling epic of a game.

After a hugely committed and brave performance from the Lions I think we can safely say that pride is restored after the 2005 fiasco in New Zealand.

The scoreboard doesn't lie - ultimately the Boks deserve their series victory.

Turning to the gouging issue, let's set aside the actions of Mr Burger (utterly appalling) and the match officials (utterly gutless) and the disciplinary committee (utterly inadequate) - the most sickening aspect of this affair is undoubtedly the utterly shameful behaviour of South African coach Peter de Villiers since the match concluded.

De Villiers comments that gouging was "part of sport" and that if we were "going to complain about every incident we might as well go to a ballet shop and all get tutus and get a great dancing show on for all to see that has no eye-gouging, no tackling, no nothing and we can all in enjoy it" were utterly unacceptable and bring the game into disrepute.

The SARU have apologised but it is not enough. Mr de Villiers should make a full public apology or resign.

Final touch and momentous news

Leaving my thoughts of the Lions aside for a while longer yet...

Last week was the final week of the Chesham/Mid Bucks Touch Rugby League and, true to form, the Chairman's Stags maintained our 100% record with a 7-4 defeat to the inappropriately named "Old Gitonians" - inappropriate because their team appeared to be dominated by young things who had yet to experience the joys of shaving.

Given that we turned up at the start with 4 players and had to borrow a few more for a quorum to be established, the team's performance was quite reasonable under the circumstances. For my own part I had plenty of playing time, worked hard and created a few chances but suffered once again from a lack of acceleration and, on his occasion, from having hands like spades.

One thing I have noticed is that this summer the general standard has been far higher than in previous years. In past summers there have one or two very good teams, one or two decent teams and quite a few who could best be described as "pedestrian". Our team this year would certainly have won 2 or 3 games in previous years but we've struggled largely because all of the other teams this year have been very well drilled and we've been somewhat shambolic. Perhaps there's a lesson there to be learned...

Of more alarming news is that, rather than carrying on for a few weeks playing social touch rugby, the 1st XV captain's plan appears to be to start pre-season training this Tuesday. That's pre-season training...in June. I think I can safely say that I'm not quite ready for that just yet.

What I am ready for is the momentous news that, after a thorough selection process (I was asked, I said yes) I have been appointed to the role of Club Webmaster, which (aside from the Spiderman outfit) means that the good folks of Chesham Rugby Club will also have to suffer my inane drivel on the club website.

Lucky, lucky people.

Pants on fire

So, it appears that claims by Monsieur Bastardo that he was assaulted in Wellington at the weekend were a BIG FAT LIE.

In a statement released today through his club, Stade Francais, Bastardo admitted that the assault was one giant porky pie.

"I want to go back on the incidents that occurred in New Zealand," his statement read. "I need to tell the truth to everyone.

"On Saturday evening I went back to the hotel after having drunk too much. I fell into my room, I struck the night table and I cut my cheekbone.

"I was ashamed, I panicked and I thought that I would be expelled from the French team. I told this story thinking that it would pass, but given the scale that it has taken on I want to tell the truth. I did not want to offend my family. I panicked and dug a hole for myself. I want to apologise to the New Zealand Union, the city of Wellington, the French team, the staff, my club, my friends and to all those affected by this story."

Call me a cynic, but the fact that CCTV footage reportedly showed him entering his hotel uninjured in the early hours of Sunday morning may just have something to do with his apparent contrition and compulsion to tell the truth.

Fortune favours the brave...

...but have the Lions been brave enough? That's the million dollar question.

Or, put another way, will Geech and his coaching team regret the decision not to stake all or nothing on the 2nd Test?

Sadly I think that the last 20 minutes of the 1st Test have lulled the Lions into thinking that they can simply pick up where they left off. What they must realise, however, is that - apart from the centre partnership of Roberts and BOD - they utterly failed to ask the Boks any questions in Durban.

From my perspective, I'm pretty convinced that it was the non-selection in the 1st Test of Sheridan and Murray (yes, I know they were injured for the match but they wouldn't have been if they hadn't had to play against the Southern Thugs Kings ) that allowed the Springbok front row to concoct their cunning plan to wreck the Lions scrum rather than focus on their own self-preservation. Despite the introduction of Rees and Jones I doubt the Boks will be worried - Big Ted would have given them much more to think about.

Likewise, in the backs, I'd have loved to have seen Geech really give the dice a roll by picking James Hook to take advantage of the inevitable space that the Boks will leave in trying to shut down the centre partnership. Furthermore, and despite a lack of form, the ultimate gamble would have been to give Ickle Shane a start on the basis that it's likely to take something out of the ordinary to win on Saturday, and Williams has to deliver sooner or later, doesn't he?

The only saving grace is that Big Ted and Ickle Shane are on the bench but, like last week, the game may be lost before they can have an impact.

Now, my next challenge is to work out how I can watch the game while still being seen to be helping out at my kids' school summer fête...

Welsh into Administration

A sad day for the little piece of Wales in London (aka Old Deer Park, Richmond) as London Welsh announced today that they have called in the administrators. Apparently the National One club have only enough money to operate for one more month.

This, having made the decision this season to go fully professional as part of a three-year plan to reach the Guinness Premiership, a decision that, at best, can be described as extremely misguided.

Unless someone comes forward soon with serious investment it's likely that the club will be excluded from the newly formed Championship and will have to start again in the lower tiers of English club rugby - something neighbours London Scottish could tell them a thing or two about.

Former Wales and London Welsh legends such as John Dawes, JPR Williams, Gerald Davies and John Taylor will be turning in their graves (well, they would be if they weren't still alive - but you get my drift...).

I see that Big Dai isn't very happy either.

Spectre in Bath

Strange goings on at Bath Rugby where SPECTRE "Number 1" Nick Blofeld appears to have been appointed CEO.

Having been thwarted time and time again by the British Secret Service from achieving his dastardly goal of world domination by means of terrorism, revenge and extortion, the evil genius is reported to be taking charge of the troubled Guinness Premiership club from September.

Given Mr Blofeld's methods of dealing with those who get in his way, his appointment may be seen as an alarming development by Messrs Lipman, Higgins and Crockett.

Shame

The news that French centre Mathieu Bastareaud was beaten up in Wellington the night after the 2nd Test against the All Blacks was pretty shocking.

If it was just a mugging then Monsieur Bastardo (as Austin Healy referred to him in the 6 Nations) can count himself very unlucky indeed and I guess it could have happened anywhere. If, however, he was beaten up by Kiwi rugby "fans" simply because he was recognised as a French rugby player (as has been suggested) then that's a far more worrying and sinister development, especially after the news that French players were pelted with plastic bottles by a group of New Zealand spectators after the 1st Test in Dunedin.

This sort of thuggery is the last thing New Zealand needs ahead of the 2011 World Cup.

"This is not typical behaviour for the vast majority of New Zealanders or our rugby fans," said a NZRU spokesman.

Let's hope not, eh?

Two things...

1. You have to feel a little sorry for Phil Vickery; and


2. The Springboks won the mind-games battle hands down.

There they were before the 1st Test, complaining about the so-called illegal scrummaging technique of the Lions whilst behind the scenes they were beavering away at their very own highly illegal scrummaging tactics themselves. Fair play to them - they got away with it 100% and the unfortunate victim of the elaborate scam was Mr Vickery, the most experienced forward on the pitch.

And so, to all intents and purposes, the Raging Bull was dismantled by the Beast. Ironic really, as it was the South African tighthead, John Smit, who was supposed to be the vulnerable one.

The Raging Bull has now been reduced to the role of Mild-Mannered Heffer and must seriously be considering his international future.

And for the Lions the learning curve just became that much steeper.

A touch of perspective

It's sometimes very difficult to get things in perspective.

There I was, about to bemoan the Lions defeat in the 1st Test and another reverse this week at Touch Rugby (this time 8-3 to the 'Tag Nuts' - although to be fair the writing was on the wall early doors when we turned up with only 5 players) when I came across the story of Northern Ireland's Graeme Ryans who collapsed and died last weekend as he played touch rugby with fellow members of Bangor Rugby Club.

It's believed that the 31-year-old (thirty-one for heaven's sake), who was married with two young children, suffered a heart attack.

According to a spokesman at Bangor Rugby Club, Mr Ryans was a well-liked member of the club, a dedicated family man and was “as fit as he’d been in a long while”.

I don't know about you, but when I hear a story like this it does tend to put my own petty little problems firmly into context. Seriously, I have nothing to moan about.

My thoughts are with his family and friends.

No surprises

So now we know. After the last few weeks of sparring and of mixing and matching, Geech has finally announced his team for the 1st Test against the Boks and the only real surprise is that it contains no surprises.

You really can't argue with any of he selections based on form - perhaps the 2nd row combination isn't quite right and the backrow mix has caused a bit of debate but the 15 starters are largely those I, and most other observers (including the South African management no doubt) expected to see.

And therein lies the problem. Personally I would have liked to have seen Geech throw a couple of curve balls just to keep the Boks guessing a little - maybe Sheridan at loose-head to test Smit's propping prowess, possibly Croft as a rangy 2nd row option or perhaps both Wallace and Williams on the flanks to contest the breakdown.

It's the bench, however, that concerns me the most, where those selected can best be described as "solid" rather than "impact" players. No Sheridan, no Andy Powell, no Simon Shaw, no Shane Williams, no Gordon d'Arcy- if the Lions' Plan A doesn't work there does not appear to be anyone on the bench who can come on and change the game and it could prove to be the Lions' undoing.

Plan A might, just might, be enough...but I have my doubts that 'safe and solid' will be sufficient and would have liked to have seen the Lions prepared to gamble, even if just a little bit.

Cool Runner?

Warning: There follows a post which is entirely non-rugby related...

I woke up this morning, pulled back the curtains and, with the sun streaming in through the windows, thought: "What a beautiful day for driving to Berkshire to compete in the Wargrave 10km charity road race."

Actually that's not quite true. The only word that leapt into my mind when I saw the weather this morning was (knowing what was ahead of me): "Bugger."

Let's get one thing straight - at my current fighting weight of over 16 stone I am SO not built for distance running. If I'm honest, even when my physique has been a little more svelt, pounding the roads for mile after mile has never been one of my more favourite pursuits. Eight years ago I did train my arse off for 3 months so that I could run the London Marathon - but, whereas there are those who are inspired to go back and run marathons year after year, I have stuck to my vow of "never again" with the utmost dedication - the problem being that, in the intervening 8 year period, I have taken the vow to such an extreme that I've done precious little road running at all, and certainly nothing on a regular basis.

So, when it was mooted at work that we put together a team of runners for this little event I thought "why not?" That was some 4 months ago - plenty of time to get out there and do some serious roadwork and get myself in shape, I thought. Then in the blink of an eye there were 3 months to go, then 2, then 1 and before I knew it there were 2 weeks left, by which time it was fairly pointless to begin any serious training. That's not to say I'd done nothing - a few sporadic runs, a bit of circuit training and plenty of touch rugby meant that I was deluded enough to think I'd be fine.

As things turned out, and somewhat unsurprisingly, it was bloody hard work. The consensus was that the 7km to 8km bit was quite tough - but, with the heat and the hills and the fact that it felt like I was pulling along a giant tyre behind me, my conclusion was that the 1km to 10km stretch was the probably worst part.

In the end I finished in just under 1 hour and 10 minutes which, given the pace at which I plod, I was relatively pleased with. Afterwards I was handed various leaflets advertising various forthcoming 10km and half-marathon races which have found their way, unread, into the recycling bin.

Would I do it again? You know what, I probably would.